From Lifeguard Parties to Lifelong Sobriety: My Journey with Alcoholism

This weekend, I received some upsetting news about a family member of a close friend. The way I discovered it made me feel as though it was a sign from God. To cut a long story short, I've decided to stop hiding the fact that I quit drinking over six and a half years ago. I want to share my story in the hope that it might help someone. 

My First Experience with Alcohol

The first time I drank was the summer before my junior year of high school. I worked as a lifeguard at our local pool and was new to the area, with only a few friends. So, I was thrilled when an older kid I admired invited me to a party. I recall sitting in the car afterward, feeling different—a good kind of different. I had several wine coolers... remember those? When I got home, my dad immediately noticed. He touched the top and bottom of one of my eyes and accused me of being drunk, saying I reminded him of his father (my paternal grandfather) when he was young. Throughout high school, my strict parents kept a close watch on me, for which I'm now very grateful. 

College, Early Adulthood, and Family Life

In college, I went wild! I avoided drugs but loved alcohol. As a result, my grades were mediocre, I barely did enough work to pass, and my friendships often suffered due to my drunken behavior. After college, I worked in a corporate setting where happy hours and client entertainment were the norm. I got married and had three kids within five years. During my busy thirties, I didn't think I drank heavily, but I always looked forward to drinking as a reward at the end of the day. When my first child was a baby, I became so fixated on how much I could drink while nursing that I attended an in-person AA meeting. There, someone told me I wasn't a real alcoholic because I didn't drink first thing in the morning. I didn't attend another AA meeting for many years after that. 

My Forties

Things changed in my forties. My husband and I found a fun group in our neighborhood that we enjoyed drinking and socializing with. I considered them my closest friends, but in reality, they were my drinking buddies—an excuse to get drunk. I was a full-time parent with a side gig in fitness, but ultimately, I looked forward to drinking at the end of the day, party or no party. 

Three-Day Hangovers and Sober Curiosity

In my mid-thirties, I noticed it took several days to recover from weekend drinking. If I drank on Friday, I'd feel better by Wednesday; if on Saturday, by Thursday. This went on for about ten years. In my mid-forties, it worsened. I started experimenting with 30-day alcohol-free periods, often tied to diets like Whole30 and the Fast Metabolism Diet. I'd struggle through 30 days and then drink heavily as soon as I could. It felt torturous, but I saw it as success. Then in 2018, I discovered a podcast featuring a Pilates teacher, Katie Tomaszewski, who created a program called Drynamics. The program involved not drinking for 90 days, based on the idea that it takes about that long to stop craving alcohol for anyone, not just those of us who identify as alcoholics. Katie encouraged us to enjoy our own company, meditate, practice breathwork, and do other activities without alcohol.

Understanding Alcoholism 

Near the end of my 90 days in the Drynamics program, two things happened. I wish I knew which came first. I keep telling myself to find out. One event was attending a parent-focused recovery program where I heard the phrase "irritable, restless, and discontent," described as the definition of alcoholism. It struck me because I thought I was there for a family member with substance issues, but I realized I related more to the young people than the parents. The other event was discovering Karen Gardinier on Instagram, who shared posts about alcoholism to help both alcoholics and their families. 

Feeling scared and desperate to help a family member, I contacted Karen and had a few one-on-one consultations. During one conversation, Karen suggested I might be an alcoholic. No one had ever said that to me before! I was offended, but a small voice inside me thought she might be right. I reached out to a neighbor who openly tracked her sobriety on Facebook and asked her to help me with my recovery. She guided me through the the process, for which I'm eternally grateful.

Throughout the years, I learned that alcoholism isn't just about alcohol. It can sometimes be treated with other vices, drugs, and controlling others. Many, including men and women, treated their alcoholism with drugs, sex, gambling, resentments, fears, and sex problems. Resentments were the top reason for suffering from the disease. For me, "disease" reminds me of "dis-ease," which I feel when I need to work harder on my program by serving others. I have a Higher Power that guides me, even when I'm unaware of it. I have a Higher Power of my own understanding that I personally choose to call God. I've always enjoyed church, but it never made me want to stop or stay stopped from heavy drinking. That said, my recovery helps me to be a better participant within my chosen faith. I have daily tasks that enrich my spiritual condition. I can honestly say that I love my life thanks to God, my spiritual program of action, my friends, and family. It is so much better than being irritable, restless and discontent like I tend to be, but I can have faith and grow my spiritual condition through self sacrifice and service to others on a daily basis. If you would like to discuss your own experience regarding any of the comments from this blog post, feel free to contact me.